My Mother’s Day Gift to Myself

Mother’s Day always comes as a mixed bag of emotions for me. I’ve never really sat down and blogged about them, but have been feeling burdened for several weeks to write this post. It has taken me that long to get up enough courage to write this. It is painfully honest, and maybe a little too raw, but maybe someone needs to read this as much as I needed to write my story.

First, I should say that I have the best mother in the world (sorry for those of you who thought you did). She’s been loving and supportive, brutally honest, and always my biggest fan. I don’t know what I will ever do when the day comes that I have to live without her. Maybe that is what makes being childless so difficult. I know that both of my parents would make awesome grandparents, and as much as I long to have my own child, it breaks my heart that I will never get to see them play that role in my child’s life. My grandmothers are (one is 93)/were two of the most amazing women I’ve ever met in my life. They taught me about giving of myself, loving God, and finding peace in a world that doesn’t make sense. My heart is sad when I realize that my mom will never have that opportunity to love my kids in the same way. The love of a grandmother is unequivocally one of the fiercest loves I know.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. It has been painful to admit that this year marks the year which probably means I will never have my own children. It has been equally healing to realize that even though marriage and children don’t seem to be in my future, that I get to mother kids every year. They are the kids I teach, the kids at church and Museum School, and the extended family I have. Some biological mothers aren’t mothers at all, so knowing mothering comes in all forms gives me peace that I am still fulfilling some part of God’s plan. I’ve had several people suggest I adopt or even find a sperm donor, but don’t want to deprive a child of the awesomeness of a dad. Right now I want to give 110% to loving those precious kids that I can. Yes, they are loaners, but I really do think it does take a village to raise a child.

This year I will not hide from Mother’s Day. I will not sneak out the side door when they pass out flowers to the mothers, or take a restroom break when they ask all the mothers in Church to stand. I will not get my feelings hurt when someone unintentionally says something insensitive, but rather ask them to pray for me if they feel lead. This year, I will cherish all those mothers who are fortunate enough to fulfill a sacred job that God hasn’t given me. I know that far too soon the day will come when some of the mothers in my life will no longer be around. I don’t want to miss a minute of their love or wisdom.

Being single and childless isn’t a punishment from God. It just is. I don’t have to understand it, I just have to crawl into His lap and let His love be enough. Because it is. That is the gift of Mother’s Day that I’ve finally given myself.